AwesomeLikeMe

2008 Santa Pub Crawl Song

Train bells ring, are you listening,
In the bar, beer is glistening,
I have the foresight,
We’re gettin’ wasted tonight,
Thirsty Santas crawling in Mo’town.

Gone away your inhibition,
Here to stay intoxication
We drink a beer bong,
And drinks that are strong,
Thirsty Santas crawling in Mo’town.

In each bar we can grab a new beer,
Then we take a drink and chug it down,
I’ll ask her: Are you married?
She’ll say: No man,
Then give us a kiss
And buy another round.

Later on, we’ll perspire,
As we roast in our attire,
On our crusade,
New friends we have made,
Thirsty santas crawling in Mo’town.

Every person has dressed up just like santa,
If santa dressed just like a drunken clown,
We’ll have lots of fun with all the santas,
Until the booze kicks in and we fall down.

Santa Pub Crawl, ain’t it thrilling,
On your beard you’ll be spilling,
We’ll drink all the day, as we find our way,
Thirsty santas crawling in Mo’town.

Thirsty santas crawling in Mo’town,
Thirsty santas crawling in Mo’town.

2007 Santa Pub Crawl Song

Its time to drink I know
For all the drinks I’ll pay
To the bars we’ll go
Drinking all the way
Buying rounds for all
Singing our throats raw
Sleeping on the floor till noon
That’s how we do this crawl

Ohhh, Santa suits, stomping boots
Let’s all take the train
Down to Mo-town for a crawl
Weather snow or rain
Santa suits, Santa suits
Staring at the sight
Oh, what fun it is to laugh and sing
And drink all through the night!

Leave your pride at home
For tonight there is no shame
In dressing like a gnome
And puking down the drain
The drinks that will be drank
Will not cost a lot
For the price to sit on Santa’s lap
Will only cost a shot!

Ohhh, Santa suits, stomping boots
Let’s all take the train
Down to Mo-town for a crawl
Weather snow or rain
Santa suits, Santa suits
Staring at the sight
Oh, what fun it is to laugh and sing
And drink all through the night!

2006 Santa Pub Crawl Song

You better drink up
You better not die
You better come out
And never say bye
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town

He’s making a drink,
Sipping it thrice;
Gonna find out who’s doing shots twice.
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town

He sees you when you’re drinking
He knows when you are drunk
He knows if you drink beer or rum
So knock ‘em down ‘till you blow chunks

With a highball glass and Bacardi one-fifty-one
Rum runs down in your tummy tum tum
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’town

He sees you when you stumble
He knows when you fall down
He makes us laugh and do car bombs
But he’s not a fat red clown

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh
You better drink up
You better not die
You better come out
And never say bye
Santa Claus is coming to Mo’tooooooooooooown!!!!

Once again we can thank the groundbreaking opinionista “iheartyourmom2006″ for the latest installment in the award-winning AwesomeLikeMe.com guest post series. Being a hardcore hater is difficult in today’s society. Marginally respected national radio personalities can hardly refer to hardworking women’s basketball teams as “Nappy-headed Ho’s” anymore without the liberal media retching their jeans over it. Well today’s post is “heart”’s siren song to all you haters out there. Fear not the one who calls out to you and follow thy honey dripped musings to salvation.

Send your barely comprehensible scribblings to stevo(at)awesomelikeme.com to be considered for a coveted slot in our guest post pantheon of heroes.

I’m Not a Hater, I Just Flush a Lot

April 18, 2007 by Guest Poster “iheartyourmom2006″

Being a hater is completely awesome and is the only proper way to live. I hate mostly everything and everybody and there’s a good chance I hate you. Rosie O’Donnell? Overpaid fatty. Hybrid cars? Government conspiracy. People with two first names like Charles Ryan and Douglas Jack? Untrustworthy social deviants.

The most important part of being a card carrying member of the prestigious group of haters is owning it. Never deny the hater in you. If you make your opinion known about something, then you have to commit to it. Don’t make excuses as to why it really is not hateful or why someone misinterpreted what you were saying.

The best example of this I have seen recently is a story on the news about Gainesville, Florida. The powers that be decided to use public funds to buy all homeless people in Gainesville a one-way bus ticket. Personally, I think that’s a bad move. There is nothing more entertaining than the local nut jobs. I saw a homeless woman crossing the street downtown last week pushing a cart of cans while wearing a top hat and a cape. It begged the questions who donated those items to the local shelter and why was she all gussied up with no place to go? But I digress.

This policy drew fire from the local PC police who demanded an explanation for the institution of the policy. Ok, we all know why the city of Gainesville and every other city want homeless people out. When asked why, the city should have owned their hate and stated, “We’re giving one-way bus tickets to the homeless because we want them out of our city where they can’t bring down the property value and this seemed like a great way to do it. Also, we won’t have to give them free meals and shit anymore because they will be some other city’s problem.” Everyone would’ve respected them for being honest. And by everyone, I mean me. Who else matters?

But instead, the city pulled the biggest cop out of all time. The said they thought that the bus tickets were a good way to reunite “homeless people with their families or friends elsewhere in Florida or in other parts of the country.” Ummm, that’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. It is currently second only to, “I’m saving myself for marriage for moral reasons, but you can hit it in the ass.” I don’t really consider that saving yourself, girl from last weekend, but I’ll call ya. Anyways, there are lots of things wrong with Gainesville’s explanation. First, if the homeless people had a family that wanted anything to do with them, they never would’ve left to live homeless in your city in the fucking first place. Second, since homeless people can mysteriously find the cash for booze and smokes, I think they could save some change for a phone call to these supposed family members and say, “Hey, I’m done being homeless now, it’s just not fun anymore. Can you come pick me up?” Also, this would eliminate the need for the bus ticket.

In summary, hating is cool, but hate responsibly. Oh and one more thing. I hate Gainesville, Florida .

Is this the best you could do, Gainesville? 

How’s that for sensationalism in blog post titles? After a recent court case involving a drunken Zamboni driver at a local ice recreation facility “a judge ruled the four-ton ice rink-grooming machines aren’t motor vehicles because they aren’t useable on highways and can’t carry passengers.” This means that the driver cannot be charged with a DWI. Now how am I supposed to get a Zamboni in time for next winter?

This begs the question: If we were to follow this kind of logic aren’t there literally gadzillions of things that aren’t usable on highways and can’t carry passengers? If I was going to drunk drive anything it would be one of these, not some silly Zamboni.

The Zamboni, while it may have the ability to keep your drinks cool and refreshing, does not have the easy beverage accessibility of the Cruisin’ Cooler.

The accused Zamboni madman, John Peragallo, claimed to police that he had he had a shot of Sambuca with his breakfast coffee and two Valium pills before work. I don’t know what you white-collar nancy boys do in your corner offices but alcohol, caffeine and a controlled substance is the breakfast of champions for those of us who have to work for a living, ya hear! You tell ‘em Johnny. And next time you decide to head to Mennen Arena to practice your ice dancing you can thank substance abuse for that flawless sheet of slippery goodness.

Recently there was a big fluff up regarding China’s decision to censor the internets, so naturally I wondered what would happen if “Shanghai Joe Web-User” tried to dial in on everyone’s favorite news and accuweather resource “AwesomeLikeMe.com“. My extensive research revealed that NO, AwesomeLikeMe is NOT censored in China. This comes as great news for any budding communist who wants to experience the oppression firsthand but not sever connections to the greatest website in this parsec. Breathe easy.

The suspense… it’s like some kind of liquid based torture…

Anyone with even the most rudimentary webbing ability can find out for themselves if their own site is blocked by the Great Firewall of China. Simply visit the fine folks at greatfirewallofchina.org and hunt and peck your url into the text box. Within moments you will find out if you have the Red blessing or are forever doomed to the life of a capitalist demon-swine.

WHEW!

In other news, firsthand accounts report that Anna Nicole Smith has risen from the dead to feast on the rotting flesh of journalistic integrity. Strangely enough this happened during a category five-billion hurripedo which is a previously unknown weather event. The Falun Gong had no comment on the story.

D’oh!

While investing some financials the other day at my local Bank of New York (Motto: “It’s Everyone’s First Day!”), I came across a pamphlet extolling the virtues of their convenient tri-state Automated Teller Machine network and a possible $25,000 prize for using it. Quickly I snatched up this little gem, eager for a chance to buy that new liver I’ve been eyeing, when something odd caught my eye.

Some BNY ATM’s are larger than others

The popular borough of Manhattan doesn’t have ANY ATM locations! How could a major financial institution like the Bank of New York overlook this? Oh I see, now this makes sense… Manhattan has been flooded under 10 feet of water by the rising tides of global warming.

Click this image for a better look!

The only explanation I have for this is that the Bank of New York knows something that the general public does not. Donny Rumsfeld must have slipped them a note explaining that they better damn well not put any ATM’s in Manhattan because of the rising ocean. Then he gave them this map with predicted sea levels circa 4th quarter 2007 under the agreement that they would only use this information to protect the assets of wealthy neo-conservatives. In turn they used this inconspicuous pamphlet to warn Johnny Q. Public on the sly, hoping some intrepid blog like AwesomeLikeMe would pick up on it and save millions of New Yorkers from an uncomfortable drowning death.

-OR-

The highly improbable scenario that someone with an F+ in geography at the Bank of New York marketing dept. who doesn’t know how to use Photoshop very well was stealing map images off the internet. Hey, give him some slack, it was his first day!

Kudos to Chase Bank for recently buying out the Bank of New York and their shady Department of Homeland Security connections!

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